Tuesday 2 August 2022
There have been all kinds of conspiracy theories over the years: the 2020 election was stolen, Lee Harvey Oswald was set up by the CIA, the so-called landing on the moon was staged on a Hollywood film set, etc. I can now add one more to the long list of history – clothing manufacturers purposefully decided to make button holes smaller than the buttons attached to the clothing. I can personally vouch for this.
It seems I have several shirts that the buttons will absolutely not fit through the aforementioned button holes. I speculate it was done so old people like me think they are getting feeble and can’t manage on their own. I’m not just talking about the buttons and button holes on the cuffs of shirts but also the row down the front of shirts. No wonder one of the tests for incapacity to receive insurance is tying your shoes and buttoning your shirts.
There’s one shirt I have given up on and refuse to wear because it takes me 30 minutes or more to get the damn thing buttoned. Then there are the shirts that are designed in such a way that the back side of the shirt where the button holes are found have been machined in a way to cover the button hole. It used to be you could iron out that little mistake but now shirt manufacturers have taken it a step further and the side of the shirt with button holes now shrinks up on itself and you can’t even find the button hole to push the too large button through. We’re not talk cheap shirts here, even if I did buy them on sale.
Yea, sure, you can tell me that the reason the shirt was on sale was because the company discovered the mistake in the fabric that caused the bunching of cloth around the button hole but I refuse to believe it.
It’s even expanded over into pants (the conspiracy spreads)! I have several pants that I have a real problem getting buttoned. Not only are the button holes too small but instead of the button hole running vertically on the pants, they run horizontally. I mean, really, who does that unless it’s to make old people look like they can’t get their pants off. I have some pants that the inside button is horizontal and the out button is vertical. Who manufactures that on purpose?
What drives me even crazier is I have several shirts that the row of buttons down the shirt all have button holes that run vertically except the last one. It runs horizontally. It’s like you have to pass an IQ test to get dressed. It’s even a bigger test when you are trying to get out of your clothes, especially after a night on the town and too many cocktails.
Maybe it’s not the button holes are too small but that the buttons are too big! Just think, the button industry has undergone signifiant change over the years. Used to, buttons were made out of bone or the nacre of mussel shells. When washing machine were invented and you had to squeeze the shirts through rolls of wringer washing machines, you almost always broke the bone or shell buttons.
Then plastic was introduced and you would think it would be a better product but how many times have you gotten shirts back from the cleaners and the button would disintegrate in your fingers as you tried to button the shirt? It’s a conspiracy, I tell you!
I hate western shirts. I look like a hick in them or a poseur. However, they do have one thing going for them – snaps. You snap your shirt closed! Genius! I think we should ask our political hacks in Washington to pass a law that once you are over the age of 50, all clothing must be manufactured with snaps instead of buttons. Write your congressman and senator today!
Stay tuned!
